Zim's Twisted Fairy Tales
by Loopy Lupa
Summary: I FINALLY did the next story! The IZ cast perform their version of well-known fairy tales
1. The Bologna Boy

  
  


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Well, would you look at my most recent silly Zim story idea. I'm using well-known fairyt ales, using the IZ cast as the actors and characters.  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Invader Zim or the fairy tales that I plan to use.   
  
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THE GINGERBREAD MAN   
~or~  
THE BOLOGNA BOY

  
  
  
  
(_The scene opens with Gaz and Professor Membrane in an old dusty kitchen. The Narrator stands in front of the scene._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, Gaz and Professor Membrane lived all alone in a little old house. They hadn't any little girls or any little boys.   
  
  
GAZ: Excuse me? I'm a little girl! I really hope you're not suggesting....   
  
  
NARRATOR: No, Gaz. I'm only reading the script.   
  
  
GAZ: Remind me to kill Dal.   
  
  
NARRATOR: Anyway, let's continue. So, one day, Gaz made a boy out of bologna (_Gaz starts making the boy_); she made him clothes out of grease (_She clothes her little creation with the grease from the frying pan_). When Gaz had rolled him out, dressed him up, and pinched his greasy boots into shape, she put him on a plate (_Gaz does everything the Narrator just said_); then she put him in the microwave and closed the door. Then, she thought:   
  
  
GAZ: (_After closing the microwave door_) Now I shall have a little boy of my own. Wait, Dib is older than me! How can he be my little boy?   
  
  
NARRATOR: (_Exasperated_) Just stick to the script.   
  
  
GAZ: (_Mutters_) Cassie's not very good at this script-writing. She had better give me a lot of pay for this story.   
  
  
NARRATOR: When it was time for the bologna boy to be done, Gaz opened the microwave door and pulled out the plate (_Gaz opens the microwave door and pulls out the plate_). Out jumped the bologna boy onto the floor (_Dib jumps onto the floor. He looks like he did near the end of Bolognius Maximus_), and away he ran, out the door and down the street (_Dib does so_). Gaz and Professor Membrane ran after him as fast as they could, but he just laughed and shouted:   
  
  
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy! (_He waddles down the street, Gaz and Membrane slowly follow_).   
  
  
GAZ: He's way too easy to catch.   
  
  
MEMBRANE: You really should pick up the pace if you want to outrun GIR later on.   
  
  
NARRATOR: And they couldn't catch him.   
  
  
GAZ: You're joking, right?   
  
  
(_The scene changes to that of a roadside. GIR sits in the middle._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: The little bologna boy ran on and on (_Dib runs onto the scene, along the roadside_) until he came to GIR by the roadside (_Dib stops in front of GIR_).   
  
  
GIR: Stop little bologna boy, I want to eat you!   
  
  
DIB: (_Laughs_) I have run awa from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And I can run away from you, I can. (_GIR begins to chase after Dib. Dib looks over his shoulder and yells,_) Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna bo-ahhhhhhhhhhhh!   
  
  
(_GIR sinks his teeth into Dib's head. Dib runs in circles, trying to fling GIR off. The Narrator stares for a few moments._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: Oh, can someone get that robot off of him? He's ruining the scene.   
  
  
(_Two of Membrane's guards pry GIR off Dib. They carry GIR offstage._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: And GIR couldn't catch him.   
  
  
DIB: But he did catch me. And, I have a chunk missing from the back of my head!   
  
  
(_The scene changes once again. Now it shows a pasture with Bloaty sitting in the middle. Dib runs onstage._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: The bologna boy ran on, and on, and on, until he came to Bloaty in a pasture. (_Dib stops in front of Bloaty._)   
  
  
BLOATY: Stop, little bologna boy. You look very good to eat.   
  
  
DIB: Oho! Oho! I have run away from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And GIR. And I can run away from you, I can.   
  
  
BLOATY: (_Groans_) Maybe you can.   
  
  
(_Dib waddles down the road. Bloaty waddles after him, as fast as he can, which turns out to be pretty slow._)   
  
  
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy!   
  
  
BLOATY: I had too many pizzas! (_Bloaty passes out, nearly crushing Dib as he hits the ground._)   
  
  
DIB: Is he okay? Was that supposed to happen?   
  
  
NARRATOR: (_Flips through the script_) It's not written in here.... Anywho, and Bloaty couldn't catch him.   
  
  
(_The scene changes again. Now it's Ms. Bitters's class. The kids throw paper airplanes around._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: By and by, the little bologna boy came to a classroom full of students. (_Dib runs into the classroom_) When they smelled the bologna boy, they tried to pick him up.   
  
  
STUDENT: (_Holding nose_) Eew! Dib stinks again! I'm not touching him!   
  
  
NARRATOR: But the little bologna boy ran harder than ever, and as he ran, he cried out:   
  
  
DIB: I have run away from Gaz. And Professor Membrane. And GIR. And Bloaty. And I can run away from you, I can.   
  
  
STUDENT: Please DO!   
  
  
DIB: Run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the bologna boy!   
  
  
STUDENT: Waddle faster! I'm getting light-headed from that smell!   
  
  
NARRATOR: And the students couldn't catch him.   
  
  
(_The scene changes once again. Now it's a large field, with a moose grazing in the middle. Dib enters and starts waddling across the set._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: Then, the little bologna boy ran faster than ever. He ran and ran until he came to a room with a moose. When the moose saw how fine he looked, he ran after him, calling:   
  
  
MOOSE: (_Makes a bunch of moosey sounds_)   
  
  
DIB: What's that supposed to mean?   
  
  
MOOSE: (_Prepares to charge Dib_)   
  
  
DIB: Oh, no! I think it can outrun meeee! (_Begins running from the charging moose_) Save my delicious meat body of bologna meat!   
  
  
NARRATOR: And the moose couldn't catch him.   
  
  
DIB: Help! He's tearing into my organs. (_Starts screaming_)   
  
  
NARRATOR: By this time, the little bologna boy was so proud that he didn't think anyone could catch him. Pretty soon, he saw an alien cut across the field. The alien looked at him, and began to run.   
  
  
ZIM: (_Looks across the field_) Where's the Dib human?   
  
  
NARRATOR: Over there, getting attacked by the moose.   
  
  
(_They watch Dib for a few minutes. Zim gets his Voot Cruiser and lands next to Dib._)   
  
  
ZIM: Grab the engine, I'll get you out of here.   
  
  
DIB: I'm not stupid. I won't fall for any of your alien evil traps.   
  
  
ZIM: Why, I would not hurt you if I could. I wouldn't think of disturbing you.   
  
  
DIB: (_Snorts_) Yeah, right.   
  
  
ZIM: Do you want me to save you from your moosey fate or not?   
  
  
DIB: Fine. I'll grab onto your ship. But this is the only time. Ever.   
  
  
(_Dib grabs the ship's grappling thing. They fly away, leaving the moose screaming. They fly for a while, until Zim drops Dib over a pack of hungry dogs._)   
  
  
DIB: Oh, you rotten alien monsteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer!   
  
  
ZIM: (_Cackles evily_) Foolish bologna boy!   
  
  
NARRATOR: That wasn't in the script. Oh well.   
  
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	2. The Dib Who Cried Alien

  
  


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Wow, did I let this one go to naught or what? How long ago did I post the first story? December?! Anyway, I am now going to post a short Aesop Fable for you to read while I write the longer Hansel and Gretel story that I wrote the rough draft for months ago.   
  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Zim, as you already know. And I don't own The Boy Who Cried Wolf, as previously stated it is an Aesop Fable and belongs to whoever owns them.   
  
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The Boy Who Cried "Wolf!"  
~or~  
The Dib Who Cried "Alien!"

  
  
  
  
(_The scene opens on the roof of Dib's house. He is sitting there watching a radar on his laptop._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: There was once a scientist's young son who kept searching the skies on top of the roof of his house. Once, he thought he saw an alien and jumped from the roof of his house (_Dib points to something on the computer screen, sets it down, then jumps off the roof_). So he ran into the streets of the city crying out, with all his might:   
  
  
DIB: (_Running into the city and screaming at the top of his lungs,_) Alien! Alien! Come and see! The aliens are coming!   
  
  
NARRATOR: The city people began to run around in circles, screaming that the world would be destroyed. NASA PLACE searched the skies looking for the alleged alien spaceship. But, no matter how hard they looked, there were no aliens to be seen.  
Another day, not too long after, Dib ran into town screaming the same things. The city people again ran amock, but NASA PLACE proved Dib wrong again.   
  
  
DIB: But I swear it was a real alien! It had a horrible, cylindar ship!   
  
  
NASA PLACE MAN: (_Spilling coffee all over himself_) Whatever, kid. No one believes you anymore. You're foolish tricks and fake alien sightings are no laughing matter. Your jokes just aren't funny to the public.   
  
  
DIB: It was a real alien!   
  
  
NASA PLACE MAN: (_Spilling even more down his shirt_) You're one sick person if you think this is funny! Wait, you'd have to be more than sick. YOU'RE INSANE!   
  
  
NARRATOR: Then one day, an alien landed on Earth not too far away from Dib's house. In great fright, Dib left for help. Running again through the city streets, he cried:   
  
  
DIB: Alien! Alien! There is an alien that goes to my skool!   
  
  
CITY PERSON: There's that crazy alien kid again....   
  
  
NARRATOR: The city people heard him, but they thought it was another joke to make them think the world was coming to an end. So no one paid the least attention, or went near him. In the end, Dib had to fight the alien all by himself.   
  
  
NASA PLACE MAN: (_Spilling more coffee than is in his cup on the floor as he thinks_) Uh.... I'm supposed to be telling you that the moral of the story is that if you don't tell the truth the first time, everyone will think you're insane the next. However, since they cut the funding, I'm not even allowed to read those words.   
  
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There you have it. I had fun writing it, even though it make little sense. Anyway, Hansel and Gretel shall be up very soon. 


	3. Red and Purple

Very soon.... Ha! It was April when I last updated this! Well, in the middle of December, here you go: Hansel and Grettel.   
  
  
Disclaimer: I still don't own Zim or the fairy tales. I DO own my outrage at Nickelodeon for not showing the Christmas episode yesterday. They make me so mad that I want to set my Ice Wolves on them. I do own the Ice Wolves, but they previously belonged to Long Live Zim (read her stuff, though she hasn't updated in forever, it's really funny!).   
  
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Hansel and Grettel  
~or~  
Red and Purple

  
  
  
  
(_The scene opens with the Narrator standing in front of an old cottage_)  
  
  
NARRATOR: Once upon a time, a poor woodcutter, his wife, and his two children, Hansel and Grettel, lived on the edge of a large forest. They never had much to live on, and once, when there was a famine, the woodcutter couldn't provide for his family. Our tale begins on a dark night when the woodcutter couldn't even sleep and talked to his wife instead.   
  
  
(_Cut to the bedroom of the woodcutter and his wife. We see a close-up of Professor Membrane's face as he lies above the blankets._)   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: What's to become of us, wife? How are we to support our poor children, now that we have nothing more for ourselves?"   
  
  
(_We now see the whole bed, and no one else is in . Professor Membrane sits up, a look we can only assume is surprise on his face_)   
  
  
NARRATOR: Where is Gaz? Wasn't she supposed to play the wife?   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Hmm... (_Puts his hand on his chin thoughtfully_) I believe that I remember her saying something about hating to always play the wife. She was really against coming tonight, so I didn't force her to.   
  
  
NARRATOR: Well then.... Why didn't you say anything before. Wait, that doesn't matter. Who else is here. (_Calls backstage_) We need someone to play the wife!   
  
  
PURPLE: (_Sticking his head out from backstage. He is wearing a lot of make-up_) Hey, you can't make me play the wife _and_ Grettel! Get Purple!   
  
  
RED: (_Also sticking his head out_) I heard that! You can't make me play the wife because I'm too busy playing Hansel!   
  
  
PURPLE: You can't play Hansel! I wanted to play Hansel!   
  
  
RED: I'm sorry, I didn't lose the snack-contest last week! Since I won, I get to play Hansel!   
  
  
PURPLE: But I was already full of other snacks from earlier!   
  
  
(_Zim pokes his head out. He looks at the Narrator with an ambitious look._)   
  
  
ZIM: I believe I just heard you say that you needed another someone. Do I get to play Hansel or the Witch? NARRATOR: (_Looking thoughtful_) Yes, it's something like that.... You'll find the costume in your dressing room. (_Makes a hand motion to a stage hand_)   
  
  
(_A few minutes later, Zim steps out into the bedroom in a peasant's dress, a bright yellow wig, and a scowl_)   
  
  
ZIM: The woodcutter's WIFE! You make me, the powerful ZIM, play the pathetic role of the woodcutter's wife! You will pay big for this, Narrator-Man! Prepare to suffer the wrath of the mighty Irken Zi-   
  
  
PURPLE: Just get out there and play the part, Zim! If you convince us that you are a grand actor, we shall give you an army of battleships!   
  
  
(_The two tallest snigger backstage while Zim, looking delighted, runs onstage and sits on the bed_)   
  
  
ZIM: I've been practicing to be an actor all my life! (_Clears his throat and puts on a feminine voice_) I shall tell you what, husband. Early tomorrow morning, we'll take the children out into the thickest part of the wood. There we shall light a fire for them and gives them each a piece of bread. Then we go about our work as usual and leave them there alone. They won't be able to find their way home and we'll be rid of them forever!   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, wife that is a wonderful idea. Now, we must sleep.   
  
  
NARRATOR: And thus, the next morning, they set out on their way into the woods. Hansel and Grettel, who had overheard their parents talking the night before, were worried to death.   
  
  
_The scene changes to that of a forest in morning light. A disgruntled yet determined Zim and the emotionless Professor lead the other two into the trees._   
  
  
PURPLE: Why do I have to be Grettel? I am the Almighty Tallest and shouldn't be made to play a woman!   
  
  
RED: Just shut up and play the part. I'm tall too, maybe even a little _taller_ than you, _and_ I won the contest.   
  
  
PURPLE: It always goes back to the contest with you! Fine! (_Clearing his throat, Purple puts on a shrill, high-pitched voice_) Hansel, I'm scared! How are we going to escape whatever lasers await us in the forest?   
  
  
RED: Don't worry, my superior intelligence led me outside last night, where I filled my pockets with these bright little pebbles. (_He pulls three, white, tiny pebbles out of the top stripe pocket on his waist. Cautiously, looking at Zim as though they were trying to plan something behind his back, he hands two to Purple and drops the last one._ They shine in the moonlight and will lead us home.   
  
  
PURPLE: Ooh, they're pretty. (_Curiously, he pops one into his mouth and bites down on it. A crunching of teeth is heard and he spits it back out. Red gives him an annoyed look, and he shrugs in return._) Pretty things are usually nice to eat. I'm hungry, can you blame me?   
  
  
NARRATOR: And so they went on, Hansel turning back to look at their house every now and then. Eventually, the Woodcutter's wife began to grow suspicious of this.   
  
  
ZIM: Yes, my Tallest, er, I mean, my son, what are you doing, looking back at our house.   
  
  
RED: (_Smiling craftily_) Oh, I am looking back at my white kitten, which is sitting on the roof, waving good-bye.   
  
  
ZIM: (_Dropping his high-pitched voice_) You _do_ not have a cat! I doubt you even know what a cat is! That would only be the accursed Earth sun shining over the chimney.   
  
  
NARRATOR: But Hansel continued to look back and drop the pebbles on the ground. It was noon when they reached the middle of the forest, and when they got to a little meadow, the father gave his instructions to the children.   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Now, children, go and fetch me some wood so that I may light a fire for you. You don't want to feel cold, do you?   
  
  
(_Red knocks a small tree down with a laser, then commences to use Purple's head to break it in half. Pleased with himself, he lays the tree down in front of the professor._)   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: (_Fiddles around in his pocket, searching for one of his inventions._) Great goodness! I've forgotten my electro-fire at home! So sorry, children, you don't get a fire today. Maybe next time.   
  
  
NARRATOR: So the parents continued on into the forest, turning back and going home without their children. Red and Purple, however, remained in the grove until dark, cold and worried.   
  
  
PURPLE: How dare they leave us behind? We, the Tallest!   
  
  
RED: Do not worry, when the moon comes up, we'll be able to see the rocks and go back home.   
  
  
PURPLE: We've been staring at the sky for two hours since it go dark. I think Earth lost its moon tonight.   
  
  
RED: You know, I think you're right. (_As he speaks, his stomach (or whatever is close to it) rumbles._) I'm hungry, let's go look for something to eat. I think the house is this way.   
  
  
(_They set off into the forest, unknowingly going the way opposite their house._)   
  
  
NARRATOR: They walked all through the night, constantly arguing about which way was the right way to go. Morning came, Hansel used his laser on Grettel in annoyance. It was midday when Grettel, with one eye still closed in pain, spotted the house.   
  
RED: Aha! I told you we were going the right way all along!   
  
  
PURPLE: But I'm the one who spotted it! You were going too far to the left, and would have completely missed it.   
  
  
RED: And you wouldn't have seen it if I wasn't pointing a laser in your face. So, we can all agree that it's thanks to _my_ cunning that we found our house.   
  
  
PURPLE: (_Freezes and has no more interest in continuing the argument._) That's not _our_ house. This one is composed of SNACKS!   
  
  
(_Eagerly, the two float over to it. Red leaps up on the short roof and begins eating gumdrops and the frosting which holds the house together. Purple contents himself with ripping out a sugar window pain and crunching into it._)   
  
  
MYSTERIOUS VOICE: Who's out there?! What naughty little children are eating my house?   
  
  
PURPLE: Leave us be to eat our snacks. We are taller than you, and you have no business asking us such rude and impolite questions!   
  
  
(_Ms. Bitters slithers out the front door in the form of a shadow. She takes on her true form again right next to Purple, gritting her teeth angrily._) PURPLE: (_Measuring them both his eyes_) Oh, I guess you do have the right to ask such questions. You are as tall as us. What do you want?   
  
  
MS. BITTERS: I want to ask you to stop eating my poor house. Children from the world over always end up here some way or another and try to eat my house and blame their misfortunes on me. Would you like to come in so I can go with the standard routine and cook you for dinner?   
  
  
RED: (_Shrugging_) Ah, well. It's not like we were going to get back to civilization anytime soon anyway.   
  
  
(_They both follow Ms. Bitters inside the house. It has a single room with a bed fit to her, a small, round table and a huge oven._)   
  
  
MS. BITTERS: All right, which of you pathetically tall children wants to be cooked first. Whichever one of you it is will have less time to think over their fates, and, therefore, will have be less worse off. You _are_ both doomed anyway.   
  
  
(_Red goes first, hopping voluntarily into the oven before Purple has a chance to even take a step. He begins to burn in the hot fires, sending shrieks of pain out of the ovens. Purple shudders._)   
  
  
MS. BITTERS: Isn't the Narrator supposed to speak now? I think his line is the next one.   
  
  
(_They both look to the Narrator, who has fallen asleep in the forest outside. Ms. Bitters growls, Purple's eyes go wide at the spectacle of sleep, and Red continues to scream inside the oven. As they stare, the Narrator slowly fades away, replaced with Professor Membrane._)   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Yes, my displacement beam worked! I was successfully able to trade places with our dear, annoying Narrator. This invention can save mankind from its inevitable doom when Dib takes over the Membrane Empire!   
  
  
PURPLE: Mr. Smart Inventor, you really ought to use your intelligence to save Re-, er, Ha-, er, Grettel, from the fires. My little sister is counting on you!   
  
  
PROFESSOR MEMBRANE: Ah, yes. (_He pulls the displacement beam, a small remote control, from his pocket and taps a big, red button in the center. Ms. Bitters and Red trade places._) There we go, order has been returned to the fairy tale. Let's go home.  
  
  
(_Purple and Membrane walk into the forest, with a burnt and smoking Red staggering behind them._)   
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All right, perhaps it's not as good as I could have written it.... You'd think so many months would be time for a really good story. Just goes to show that reason isn't always right. Either way, here's the story and coming soon (everyone laugh at this part, it's the only funny part here) will be the rendition of Cinderella 


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